Friday, January 21, 2011

Comb Over

I experienced one of those 'be careful what you wish for moments' today.

I have been hating my hair since my last cut. (Really since Doolittle poached my stylist.) So yesterday I stopped off at Great Clips and ended up in the chair of a brown-eyed woman who was wearing green contacts. She also had dragon-lady fingernails which at first scared me but by the end of my shampoo had my leg twitching like a dog getting his belly scratched.

Sonya listened to me complain about how I've struggled to get a decent haircut. And maybe a little about Doolittle bonking my best ever hairstylist. (She was actually surprised I hadn't forgiven the girl yet. Really?) On to business, I asked her to trim the top of my hair so it would be fuller. 

She did.

Like a turkey spreading its tail feathers. 

Happy it's cold enough for a hat,

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Making Use of Item Found in Storage

Does anyone know if deodorant expires? 

This does not smell 'Spring Fresh'.


Monday, January 17, 2011


Hunting is big sport in this part of Texas.

And camo is a fashion staple. Head to toe. Onesies to 4XL. I haven't checked but I bet there are even camo undergarments. Little camo nighties to be worn by bright-eyed does who scamper playfully into their boudoirs for mating rituals.  

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not camophobic. And whatever people do in their own bedrooms is their own business. But isn't the point of camouflage to go unnoticed? 

Avoiding frustration,

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Let the Good Times Roll

My neighbor, Letty, turned 85 yesterday.

I took her a bag of her favorite diabetic candy wrapped up real nice in purple paper (it's her color). She didn't answer the door. Which made me nervous. So I dialed her from my cell phone. She answered second ring.

As I was explaining to her what was what (me at her door, candy, concerned), I heard her draw a deep breath. I was certain she was having a heart attack. She told me to calm down, use the side gate and come sit on the back porch with her.

Coming around the corner all I could see were her feet, in sensible shoes, sticking out from below a giant cloud of smoke. She heard me sputter so she waved away the smog to reveal a cigarette hanging out of a lopsided smile. Turns out she had been waiting for her 85th birthday to start smoking again. And her daughters are going to be pissed. 

I love Letty.

You've come a long way, baby!

Saturday, January 15, 2011


Isn't it interesting that 'TaTa' is a cute way of saying goodbye but make that same word plural and you have men saying hello?


Friday, January 14, 2011

Playing the Percentages

Thirty-five percent of this year's New Year's resolutions will be abandoned before the last day of January. 

I'm a little surprised the number is so low. Aren't you? 

None of my resolutions ever lasted more than a week. Experts say most fail because no clear, obtainable goal was set. That planning is important. So, you see, my resolution to obtain World Peace didn't stand much a shot because my plan was too vague. Sorry 1989! (Although it should be noted the Berlin Wall fell later that year). 

By the end of February, 90% of those other suckers will be out of the race. That's why I'm waiting another six weeks to state my New Year's resolution.


Thursday, January 13, 2011

Ease on Down

I know you were thinking... 

"Wow! Corky's new year must be off to a spectacular start if she's only encountering one conundrum a week!"

Well. That's what you get for being such an optimist. 

Let's say 2011 is a Wizard of Oz movie. So far I've got the flying monkeys AND I suspect before long I'll be easin' on down the (yellow brick) road with Michael Jackson. 

This ain't Kansas,

Friday, January 7, 2011

Museum Quality

Dogs Playing Poker Poster Print, 36x24Why I was looking up the 'Dogs Playing Poker' painting is irrelevant.

< You can buy this print, on sale, for $5.99 from this website. If you'd like them to frame it, that'll run you anywhere from $49.99 to $239.99.

Here's my conundrum ~ if you spend 40 times the price of a print on framing, does that make it an object of art?

Just wondering,

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Nip and Tuck

I was standing in line behind a couple, about my age, and they were acting all lovey-dovey. 

I know! I couldn't remember the last time I had seen two people in their 40's acting affectionate in public either. It was very sweet! He had his arm around her and they were whispering. Nonchalantly, I scooted closer to hear what they were saying. 

I'll paraphrase.

Him: Of course I think you're beautiful.

Her: Then why are you telling me I need a boob job?

Him: (this part I remember word for word) "You should see my wife's breasts! They're fabulous."

Me: (I fought down the urge to tap him on the shoulder to ask if he was really that much of a dumb-ass. Instead I pondered aloud,) "Might be cheaper to get yourself a younger girlfriend."


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